Who are they, really? My sis and I have gone over this question quite a few times, and I have since then extended the conversation to my mentor and loving friend, Michelle. All in all we have concluded, that platonic relationships, like every other area of our lives need to be defined by a set of boundaries. Not rules. Boundaries.
Michelle confessed her truth’s in her own journals and was kind enough to share them with me. Two of those quotes are:
‘I believe true friendships withstand the impetuous of youth, naivety, ignorance and the confines of our identities.’ ‘I believe that as a wise friend defined, most people are in entanglements rather than relationships – entanglements rightfully keep us locked in a limbo state.’
When I was in the ninth grade, I had to take my student card photo. A fellow student, with whom I was not very familiar accompanied me on this trip (remember those days when you would go places with random people? ) While we were traveling, she asked “so who do you hang out with?” and I obnoxiously replied ‘Anyone I want’. What I meant was ‘I am a pack-drifter’. But I did not know how to articulate that then.
She answered matter -of –factly, ‘You mean – whoever wants to hang around you.”
Well THAT was a slap in the face. My ego hit the top of my five foot frame like steam. I was embarrassed – shocked and appalled. I don’t remember much else of what happened that day, but I never forgot that moment.
I realize now – and am conscious of the fact that as people, we tend to define ourselves by our external alignments, or as we like to say ‘entanglements’. We validate our existence by those who we ‘know’ and not those who ‘know’ us. All semantics aside, why do we think that people we know of should be referred to as ‘friends’? How does one promote others to that title? What are the benefits – and most importantly, what are the repercussions? I was an only child for many years, and before I met my BFF, I really can’t say I had a close friend, that is -someone whom I could meet with outside of the confines of institutions, someone who knows my family. Someone to miss and yearn for in their absence. Someone who after years of absence, would welcome me into their home. Someone who would feed and clothe me, and be there for my children in our darkest hour. Someone that I could never hate – even if I tried. Someone who knows and appreciates that they are one of few people that I have met that I truly loved. I have a lot of love, but I prefer to spend it in large sums – to a select few.
And Mel, I am so glad, that you became the only one that wanted to hang around me – back in 1993, and you’re still hangin’ …
Love, Dee
It is so funny the art of defining one’s friendships or to even see the reasons as to why they are considered friendships. Life has a way of placing people in our lives for a single series of events or a multitude of events, or for a reason. Then there is the life time that we can look at and explore, for I know we can all type a list of our friends and sense which ones will be there for a very long time. Yes, your list may shorten, but I am sure that someone you may not be able to point your finger at will indeed be there. But the art of defining those friendships, next to impossible due to the fact that any such title would be limiting to the friendships true meaning.
My personal definition of friends the closest friends I have are in my soul defines as my true family. In my own self fulfilling life journey I would like to believe that if we could pick family members to be on our team I would definitely draft my friends that I have developed a sort of kindred spirit with through that very friendship alone. In this we have set boundaries just through understanding alone. In the understanding we have developed a unity like no other.
But does this explain who they are, or if they are your true friend? It all depends on the “rules” or “boundaries” you set out to co-exist with one another. It all depends on the respect of ones growth one has for another.
But really what are the boundaries?
Comment by K Whylie — January 27, 2008 @ 10:36 pm |
Well. I remember that trip.
It has been a eventful 15 years. Weddings, gradautions, living together, living apart, thousands of dollars in phone bills. Through birth and death, joy and sorrow we are going strong.
Love,
MEL
Comment by Melissa — January 27, 2008 @ 10:42 pm |
BOundaries………
I truly believe that every person should set their own boundaries in light of how far THEY go with their friends. In friendships, I think that the ability to choose ones friends is the greatest choice we have since relationships are so crucial to our existence.
The reason I say this is that it will force unselfishness and cause each person to search within and be the friend that they should. I find that the older we get, the more we appreciate and cherish the friends we have. Even though we might be separated by land, time or family, we still donate our time and resources when we can.
I love my friends dearly and I feel fortunate to be a part of their lives whenever they need me.
Comment by ngozi — February 22, 2008 @ 3:58 am |
Keisha – you make a good point. What are those boundaries? I would think as Ngozi said – they are defined by you. And the type of boundaries you set can determine the quality of the relationships you have. Ngozi, Keisha – you guys are perfect examples of people who go beyond the call of duty for others – even when they don’t EARN it. And that is what makes you different, but as you have gotten older, you have observed that it is not always in the best interest of that individual to be more than they ask or expect you to be.
I would assume that has changed the type of boundaries you’ve set – or even redirected them elsewhere where they are more useful, effective and appreciated.
You all are great friends and I am lucky to have you.
Comment by dacostad — February 22, 2008 @ 3:43 pm |