When should you stop having a text book ‘birthday party’?

 I hate parties. 

Grown folks shouldn’t have birthday parties. I’m convinced.

I apologize to everyone reading this who thinks that birthday parties are just great! Perhaps right now you are reminiscing about that trendy club at which you and your ‘friends’ spent hours drinking and dancing the summer night away. The DJ probably gave you a few ‘shout outs’ and the crowd was enamoured by your special appearance. Good for you.   

Let me clarify for you the event that I have in mind. …Its winter. Its Toronto. Its bloody cold. It might be -5 degrees when you walk out the door – but on your way back its -17 with a wind chill of -30.

In winter I loathe the thought of stepping outside for work. And they pay me to attend (probably because they are mandated to by law).

 Now for someone who had 2 birthday parties her whole life, – one when I was 2 and the other when I was 15, I must say – neither of them were memorable experiences.  So tell me what is so extra fascinating about showing up at someone’s house, to wait, eat, then wait, then sing then take pictures, then wait then leave. The balloons really don’t make it that festive. Its just your house with balloons and streamers. The cake? I don’t like cake! Loud music? That’s why we have clubs. Those wishing to be a future hearing aid subscriber go there for that – so go there. As for the alcohol – no thanks. So what does that leave exactly? That’s right. Conversation. With a couple of people that you might know and are even less interested in talking to – something you could do on the phone or for 5 minutes at the mall.  

So invite me to the kids’ parties. Bowling, Lazer Tag, video games, movies, arcade games and rides galore – I’m SO there!  As for the 35 year old getting all excited about getting ‘smashed’ and inviting me along for the stadium show; seeing you in that state is depressing – who the hell can eat cake after  seeing that? Yuk.