The Art of Conversation

This is dedicated to Keisha, and Andre. The first people I ever knew to hold productive conversations with strangers.  You have been resources for us all.

It would be naïve to think that the essence of our relationships is based on good looks and smarts, but attractiveness also lies in our ability to communicate with one or more individuals.  Some of us are better at one on one, while others flourish in group settings. I myself find some awkwardness in contributing in a group setting, particularly if there are microcosms of conversations occurring in the same network while you are attempting to speak.  

We, the socially inept have a respect for those who are able to find a common ground with the unalike – and are able to take a non-existent relationship into respectable and mutual connection. This is a gift, and is a valuable, if not necessary tool for survival in our society.   After years of careful observation, I have deduced the following groups of conversation participants and key areas of opportunity in order to improve one’s ability to converse. 

The ‘Yes’ person The ‘yes’ person is ALWAYS in agreement with what the DOMINANCE is saying, asking or alluding to. Even if the argument is fallacious, or inconclusive. The ‘yes’ person might very well have a set of opinions for him/self – but opt to either keep them hidden and protected for one of the following reasons.

 1)      Fear of rejection

2)      Lack of interest in the topic

3)      Fear of confrontation

Or

4)      Continually agrees in hopes of speeding up the conversation and having the DOMINANT shut up as quickly as possible

Pros The ‘yes’ person will always make you feel as if you are terribly smart. If you need this validation, they will always be there to appease you. If you are a ‘yes’ person, you are unlikely to get the fireball of backlash that can come from objecting to the opinion of another communicator. This might prevent some displayed turbulence in relationships and make things easy but ultimately uncomfortable..     

Cons The ‘yes’ person is a habitual liar. If you are foolish enough to depend on their advice, you can end up throwing yourself down the well of imprudence, deeper than the one in ‘300’.  If you are a ‘yes’ person, you might end up forgetting who you really are and what those things mean to you. You are likely to become a hypocrite and will find it difficult to lead by example.

You will also find yourself surrounded by idiots, who tag you along every now and then for an ego boost. Respect is unlikely to develop through these relationships. -          oh, and anybody with a lick of common sense will refuse to bother taking you seriously , or offer you useful advice.  

Advice: Stop thinking you’re doing the world a favour by petting egos. Noone will thank you when they ‘grow up’ and realize you have been feeding into their BS for years. Molly coddling is overrated. Your colleagues are begging for you to express your opinion.  They will be able to account for your input, and might avoid making decisions that are not in your best interest.  

The Conversation Assassin 

This person repeatedly brings up offensive topics that nobody wants to hear about. Such as: 

Child labour

Lewd Humour

Race

Adult material

Intimate encounters

Violence

Past indiscretions (of just about anyone in the room)

Their depressing lives

Personal – on the spot questions

Anything negative about everything everyone else brings up. 

They tend to lean towards vulgar language, and can really clear a room. They don’t have a mental filter, tend to dabble in narcotics and are unfit to be in the presence of children.  

They are often unemployed, like Pretty Boy Floyd, leaving them too much time to annoy those with productive lives.  

Pros 

None – if you are one

For the others, it might render you more tolerable.  

Cons 

IF this you. You will be left out of many events. Add this as a pro for everyone else. 

For your peers, you will manage to spoil many of their gatherings and they may be forced to insult you continuously when you are not around. If you want to know if you are one, watch closely the eyes of those around you as they roll continuously in their heads.Unfortunately, the Conversation Killer can have a dual diagnosis as a  Dialogue Hog.  See more below 

Advice: Seek help. Your friends are not your therapists, and will be annoyed that their 10 years of advice have fallen on deaf ears. Learn how to be selfless by doing more listening, or thinking about your company before opening your mouth. This is one step to learning to respect others, and is likely to result in earning their respect. And get a job. Please.  

The Dialogue Hog  

The dialogue hog is self explanatory. They hog all the conversations and never let anyone get a word in edgewise. This person might also be solipsistic and manages to boomerang EVERY SINGLE conversation into a discussion about themselves.  “ I this” “I that” “I remember when I” “Once, I” , usually preceded by “Oh – yeah!!!” 

Oh yeah – nothing.  Stop talking already. Nobody cares. You might be lying and your story is boring. YAWN!!! Need I say more? 

The dialogue hog is not a story teller. They spew out random comments in inappropriate times (some people are trying to watch a movie here)- or WORST – in the middle of someone else’s story!  They feel as if they keep anything to themselves that their brilliant thought will just combust and they will suffer a brain hemorrhage. I must admit, I have been afflicted every now and then – but I am aware that I am socially inept and this behaviour is not consistent. I am working on it – and so should you.  

Pros 1)      You get to hear your own voice. A lot

2)      Everyone else gets to eat their food while its hot 

Cons

 1)      People will tune you out – completely

 2)      If you are trying to have a conversation with a Dialogue hog, and you yourself are socially inept, you will not get the opportunity to practice your banter.  

Advice: Ask more questions. You don’t have to be making a statement every time you open your mouth. A question is a sentence too.   

The Gallant Gabber 

You are brave and fearless my courageous one. You will stand up to the Dialogue Hog and Conversation Assassin for the greater good!   The gallant gabber has incredible insight and is strategic with their subtle interceptions. One such strategy they will display, is to ask the speaker a few in depth questions about their subject and once the speaker realizes that they don’t know what they’re talking about – request feedback from the introverts to get them involved in the discussion. 

Pros 

1)         The Gallant gabber is a hero to the socially inept. They spare us of deadly boredom and embarrassment, and allow us to be involved with interest.

 2)         As the gallant gabber, you will be invited to events where more discretion is required, and will be the confidant of many. This is a requirement in order to prevent the possible conflicts that arise when a Conversation Killer is on hand. 

Cons

 1)                  Being tough isn’t easy. Gallant, you may be – but it might earn you a few battle scars.

 2)                  IF you have ever been verbally attacked by a Gallant gabber, you will know that if you are unobservant – they might be forced to be harsh or inconsiderate., and this can result in hurt feelings and emotional bewilderment for years to come.  

Advice: As the gallant gabber, try not to be the hero ALL the time, give others the chance to defend themselves. Do not fall into the trap of speaking on behalf of everyone. Some of us want certain people to think a particular way – for a reason. Be direct, succinct and loving in your approach, and never forget to smile.   

The Intercourse Informer 

You know who they are. This individual is quiet as a mouse when a conversation is taking place, but two days later the entire dialogue is being referenced on a facebook wall. Tsk. Tsk.These people are usually invited by illegitimate means. They are the last minute fill-ins and tend to show up unannounced.  

Pros 

1)                  It’s a good way for others to weed out the indiscrete

2)                  The informant might earn points with others for the information they gather

 Cons

 1)                  They can be nice people with big mouths – but they usually don’t carry good news and that is the main faux pas

2)                  If you are an informer, you can bet that all your indiscretions are about to be made public.  

Advice: It’s never too late to change. The power of information is lost when shared with those who don’t have respect for it. If you happen to be present during an  intimate exchange of words – kindly remove yourself so that you won’t have to bear the burden of the secret. You can’t repeat what you didn’t hear. Feel free to tell people that you don’t want to hear what they have to say sometimes. There is some bliss in ignorance.   

We may not all fit in one of these confines on a regular basis, but we are all active participants in our small social realm. Let us all be willing to listen as much as we share.

Have a fabulous day, and I welcome  your feedback anytime.

Your friend,

Denise