Where is my femininity?

Lost: Femininity  

Today I decided to find out what it meant to be feminine. I am convinced I didn’t get the memo and I’m not sure if I have suffered for it, although I’m sure I have. Don’t feel sorry for me just yet – I’m certain I share part of the blame here. So before I proceed to stroll down memory lane, stopping and oogling quizzically at my too-big-for my ‘C’ cupped bra chest, and shuddering at my baggy pants and uncombed hair – let me remind myself how many times I said ‘ I did not care’.  

Let’s for a moment assume I had not been suffering from what some might call depression- I call it ‘suck-it-up shock’  - from ending up homeless and with child at the age of 16. One day you’re completely sick of being a child – while watching other ‘teenagers’ have fun and NOT wanting to grow up – while you can’t wait for next anvil to drop. Then – you’re in love – wait…no you’re pregnant…you’re out on your ass…contemplating where you will sleep – but you’re working and in school…great – you’re responsible!

You’re moving through the motions trying to stay afloat, mildly relieved at not having a guardian and wanting to be free but love is holding you down – love is anchoring you and you don’t want to let go.  

Found: love

Found: freedom (well sort of)

Found: peace of mind (also – sort of, out of the frying pan into the fire sort of thing) 

Somewhere along these life paths I missed the turn (the one that lead to the local mall) – and there apparently lies the secret ‘Fountain of Femininity’.  

So on this day in 2007, I gaily skipped down the rainy parking lot towards the local ‘Homesense’.  Well Candycanes and gumdrops ! Holy smokes.  Who thought that you could purchase a set of wine glasses for under eight bucks? Vases on clearance for $9.99, A set of Japanese bowls and sushi mats for under $15?

I of course ended spending about $50, but that did not stop me from dragging myself to Winners to look for a deal on shirts. No luck there – everything that fit me happened to be in the ‘Trendsetters’ section; fit for the teenager – not for the office. In the ‘Career’ section, racks of twead lay before me in hideous display. No thanks.

I’d much prefer being mistaken as an intern than a little girl trying to play dress up at the office.  So stage 1 that ended with me heading to my vehicle with hands full from the Homesense excursion. I felt an overwhelming sense of … accomplishment. Yes, that’ s the word. The feeling of the plastic ripping through the crease of my fingers brought on a pleasurable pain of pride, privilege and pretend prosperity. A somewhat different experience than say paying the bills, or putting money in a tithe envelope… no this is something different.  

In further pursuit of this female enlightenment I made a rare afternoon trip to the local mall – alone (stunning my family of course). I can still see the face of my children plastered against the screen door bewildered, “Where is mama going?”.  If they were old enough I would have told them – “I’m going to find the other part of womanhood that doesn’t involve raising children, cooking, or working. I am channeling Simone De Beauvoir! ” But that might draw more questions from my daughter – and I clearly didn’t have the answer to those just yet. I was still on a quest… 

Stage 2 was a great success. I scored two pairs of earrings on sale for $6.00 at The Bay, and a $5.00 pair of shoes at the Transit super sale. What kind of shoes? Ones with soles –and that is all you need to know. On my way out however, I realized my fear of spending was slowly easing. I decided to up the ante and get my eyebrows done at the mall Salon. I emerged from the den one and a half hours and $140 dollars later; my eyebrows waxed and half of the skin on my face stripped off. My first facial, ladies and gentlemen – and of course they wouldn’t let me leave without the product to maintain my new beauty regime. I was going places. Oh yes.  Places like the parking lot – and then my house – to explain why I decided to spend all our extra money as if I had just landed a silver screen acting gig.   

So there I was, driving home after the mall had closed, alone, in the beginnings of spring dusk. The air tepid and moist and the music blaring out the open windows of my minivan. I pretend I’m driving a 745 and that anyone cares about my new found awareness, my sophistication, my subtle sassiness and bypassing the void of my pockets and bank account.  

Found: Anxiety

Found: Vanity

Found: Instant gratification

Found: Impulsiveness 

This must be it. If only for one day – Voila! The feat of femininity.

Denise DaCosta