We can’t treat them all the same. We just cannot. They cannot treat us all the same. It is unrealistic. Once we accept this we can move forward to determine what kind of people we surround ourselves with.
The Extended family
These are friends that have ties to your external family. For instance, my friend and spoken word artist Ozi, have been friends for 15 years – but upon meeting each other, our parents realized they had grown up together -in a different country! My uncle knew her aunt, our ennate grandmothers were acquaintances and popular members of their shared community. Therefore, we were the third generation (to our knowledge) of a familial bond – and we are not planning on breaking that bond ever. We don’t speak to each other everyday – but ours is for life. We don’t spend enough time together to ever cause irritation and are well aware of each other’s needs, strengths and shortcomings.
The Core
This is usually a formed group of friends that know each other and communicate in group settings on a regular basis. It is comprised of a variety of associates that were brought together by the most outgoing and popular member of the bunch. Girl’s Night, Weddings, etc – are the usual gatherings from which these bonds are formulated. This is comparable to a sorority – and there is definitely a political aspect to this formula.
Pros: The ‘Core’ sorority guarantees that you will never have an event for which no one will attend.
There will always been an opportunity to learn and teach
It teaches you to be selfless
It is a great support tool for your children
Creates lifelong memories
If the sisterhood is run like a business, it can yield tangible and intangible profits for participants and the community at large
Cons:
Sometimes certain personalities will feel left out (i.e. extreme introverts, anti-social personalities )
If you are easily dominated then you can become lost to group’s direction
Being in a core group does not guarantee that your lives will be comparable but there must be a common ground or understanding – or conflict can get ugly
If you piss the leader off – and there is good reason – you are likely to get a cold reception from other group members
If you stick out too much – in a positive or negative way – it might work against you.
There can be microcosms of cliques within cliques – if you know what I mean
IF you try to please everyone at once it will become stressful.
There is no need to do so – and if you are chastised for being human and honest – well you’re aren’t with the right people.
If your group is successful, these friends will become lifetime soul mates and become an extended family member. Together, you can change lives.
THE BFF
There are those diamonds that etched portraits into the paths of your life’s journey. They are the friends that watched you grow during a pivotal point in your life, and never turned their backs on you. It might not have been a perfect journey – but at some point in time – the love you felt for this person was so intense - you knew at that moment that you would do almost anything for them. That is the essence of the BFF (best friend forever). Even if they MOVE TO ANOTHER COUNTRY (Muh-lissa!) – you still keep them in your heart and find time to make them feel close to home by communicating with them regularly. No excuses.
The BFF does not shower you with material things or make themselves available to your every need – actually they are the ones that give when they have nothing at all. The ones that will only give – never lend -leaving you to your own conscience and condition. I am lucky to have two of these – so very lucky, but because of the nature of our histories, I slot Keisha into my soul sister bracket with Heather – because I didn’t meet them on my own (as someone keeps reminding me) lol.
The Treasure
The treasure friend can hang with any of your friends and fit right in. They likely have not had much if any contact with them – and have limited knowledge of your history – but you have forged a bond that is genuine and unforgettable. You will accomplish dreams with the help of these angels, and your best bet is never to take them for granted, or treat them with nothing but first class status and ultimate respect. They often dedicate time to you to discuss things that you simply cannot discuss with anyone else. They can be a mentor, a teacher and loving and dear friend. They are usually older than you, I find. and tend to start out as workplace associates or church family, and they show up and the WEIRDEST times in your life. They are unpredictable and would do things for you that you would never expect.
(Michelle, Carol, Lavern, Raymond and Ngozi - that’s you! : )
The ‘long-time’ friend This pretty much sums up people with whom you’ve made a bond with and shared (positive) experiences at a particular time. They seem to lose touch often – but are never forgotten. Sometimes, they are the ones that never call or send emails but you’ll see Forwards from them in your inbox ever so often (Tina!) lol . You can let them know that- you know- they are there-and their fingers aren’t broken. Chances are…they will answer you. Eventually. : )
The Weakest Link
Now that we’re all cozy and mushy, what about those friends on the frills?
Are YOU the weakest link?
Are you the one that tries so hard to be the best friend ever by offering to lend money – drive your friends and their family around – devote your time and be at their beck and call for their most dire financial, childcare, social and transportation needs? Are YOU the one that will offer to baby-sit – but yet are encouraging them to gallivant the streets at all hours of the night to party? Away from their children?
Do you invite unwelcome guests into their homes? Are you MIA when they need to look for a job or drop a bad habit? How about sharing good news – are you there for them then? Can they come to your house and meet your parents? Or do you hide them away like some secret charity case in your life.
You think you are being helpful – but your own life is a mess and you only volunteer to ‘help’ people so you can feel better about yourself. How do you know this? Often these people don’t ask for your kind of help – and you rarely have the means or knowledge to diagnose much less treat their problems. You are a hindrance to their ‘recovery’ – and you tend to treat their secrets recklessly.
You throw your ‘good doings’ in their faces when it suits you fine – and never hesitate to let the world know when you’ve lent them a dollar or bought them a loaf of bread. You ARE the weakest link.
And if this is not you it might be someone you know. The one you watch out the corner of your eye and think.. “Girl – you are soooo pushing it right now.” Or if you are asking yourself constantly “Why are we friends again?” or even worse – they just make you feel like crap. You can’t get a compliment without them jumping in “Oh – I used to look at like that!” - next thing you know they are pulling out a high school picture lol (I think I did that once). They are just down right wrong.
You might be sitting back into your seat thinking, “Oh – I don’t have any friends like that..” Well good for you. However, If you find yourself doing this quite often – something has changed. It’s either the friend or you. The person probably isn’t your best friend and if you’ve been throwing that word around at random and something similar isn’t being thrown back..well…. And that is okay.
It is also okay to cut them off like a bad perm. Yes- I said it. Why not?
Why spend all your good – good energy becoming a hypocrite by hating this person because you are trying to love them. You can’t have it both ways folks. She (or he!) doesn’t like you. How else can I put it? SHE is not that into you – and you need to know if your intimate relationships can fall apart – then your platonic companions with whom you haven’t formed…well not quite such a close bond – are subject to fall apart as well.It sucks. Trust me – especially if you’re the last to know- but you’ll feel MUCH better when you downgrade that individual to dormant status.
They are like corrupt software – disinfect that virus inflicted friend if it’s worth it – but most of them should just be deleted. And that’s the truth.
Denise
