Relationship Checkpoint: Is he/she a product of disturbed attachment patterns ?
Yes – I know. You’re probably thinking – “Huh?”
I will explain in layman terms. Have you ever caught yourself wondering about your significant other– “What is wrong with this person?” Sometimes the person that has the problem is you – sometimes both – but if you find that your mate is exhibiting a pattern of strange and irrational behaviour as you grow more intimate in your relationship (and proximity especially), you might want to think about stopping at Chapters bookstore on your way home from work – or from trying to find a job (don’t want to make assumptions or discriminate) – and pick up a book on Personality Psychology.
We take Parenting courses to help raise perfect little children to become brilliant and well balanced adults and yet there seems to be little emphasis with building and maintaining the intimate relationships with the other person you have those children with…hmmm. Clearly most of us don’t intend on raising those children by ourselves so we would likely prefer to understand ourselves a bit more, and people a bit more by examining WHY people are the way they are in order to learn how to deal with them and how to predict their behaviour under certain situations. Psychology is by no means a rule book …its more of a ‘People – for Idiots’ sort of thing – for those of us who think that human beings operate like a toaster; (as long as its plugged in it should work). Not quite so friends. Not quite. So let that be your first lesson for the day.
John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth contributed a great deal to Ego Psychology and the Object Relations Theory of Attachment. So if you have a mate who you would describe as insecure, clingy, continuously agitated with a constant need for support – you might find this quite interesting.
The Attachment Theory suggests that children use the relationship between themselves and primary caregiver as a way to gain insight into themselves, others, and the relationships that guide subsequent experience and behaviour. This called an internal working model. This model operates through the (mother) usually who is viewed as a safe base from which the child can explore the world and return without fear of abandonment. This safe haven provides security, support and comfort. The entire system is proximity based, as such that when the primary caregiver extends the proximity between (her) self and the child, the attachment behavioural system activates producing anxiety (followed by a lot of crying might I add).
Stay with me – this is going somewhere, I promise.
So in a test called the ‘strange situation’, the following attachment patterns were found in children:
Insecure – Avoidant – these children don’t interact with the mother if they are alone with them, and if the mother leaves them alone, upon her return, they are less likely to interact with her upon reunion. In other words – they just don’t miss her.
Secure Attached – is pretty much the opposite. They play – interact with Mom a bit – and cry when the mother leaves, but are quickly comforted upon her return.
Insecure – Ambivalent- these children tend to interact with mother, but cry when she leaves and won’t shut up when she gets back. Oh they just keep howling and carrying on – because quite frankly, they are NOT impressed and are afraid that if she leaves she may never come back.
So what are the most likely reasons the children react in the manner they do ? Apparently it is based on the caregiver’s behaviour. That means if the parent is comforting and supportive and present – you get a securely attached child who is able to function and problem solve more efficiently as a young child and have more positive reactions with peers. They are more confident, flexible, etc. etc.
Caregivers of the Ambivalent children varied in their responsiveness towards their child, by not provided comfort and support, but also being controlling and intrusive when the child attempts to explore.
Caregivers of the Avoidant children were just inconsistent with their ability to comfort in general.
Adults who classify within the same categories have different views on adult relationships – Secure – describe them selves as happier and believers of true love. Avoidant adults are more cynical and Ambivalent adults think loves comes quickly but does not last. Quite similar to the toddlers’ attitudes don’t you think ?
And the most interesting pattern I find are the differences in perceived available support – that means someone who has a skewed internal working model will perceive information in a different manner than a secure individual. In stressful situations the internal working model filters how the person appraises and experiences interactions with their partners. But lo – there is a solution!
If you have a partner that never seems satisfied with your verbal responses you need to change the way you speak. Lucky you. But give it a try – less ambiguous messages are left to open interpretation to the receiver. If he/she has a worry that they have expressed do NOT say:
“Don’t worry about it.” This type of response activates the vulnerabilities of the individual as they are likely to interpret the response as negative or a form of dismissal. Insecure adults think ‘I am not worthy of affection. I am incompetent’ and this is what their system has been programmed to think. (insert crying and tantrums here) “You don’t care about me!!” and so on and so on.
Try perhaps asking more questions–and giving them your full attention. Set aside some time to focus on the subject:
“Really? Lets get dinner started and you can tell me all about it.”
Then respond like you actually care. If you listen – you probably will. Insecure adults can be difficult to deal with because they seem unreasonable and impossible to please. Encourage your partner to learn about his/herself using a basic personality psychology book – its something you can do together and shows a true interest. Oh yes – pray – pray and pray some more (if you’ve never tried – it won’t kill you) and if all else fails…there’s always therapy, right?
Thanks for hanging out,
Dee
