Blushing Brides – Get Real

It’s the experience – not the event

 

 

Of all of life’s favourite puzzles, human behaviour must be just exhausted, tired of being in the  number one spot.  For our purposes, human behaviour is the only puzzle, and the ranking ranges from one subset of each type of  behaviour to another. That being said, today’s ranks right up there on the what-was-I-thinking scale and has to do with relationships. Yes –that is where I’m a Viking. Someone who has never dated as an adult giving her point of view on relationships. ‘Pretentious’ you infer? Well in the words of my friend MW, ‘You are right. But right now – I just don’t care.’

 

We have each created a mental schema (or list) that contains images and words that connect one idea to another and impact or motivations, thoughts emotions and behaviour.  There are a great deal of us that get the details of this schema from television – and well other people – strangers mostly; which unfortunately does not provide a good point of reference for the subjective self. Which brings me to the topic of today  -  incompatible couples – how does it happen?  

 

I’ve often heard single women lamenting about (the un single), trying to figure out why some of them are ‘settling’. Often couples appear mismatched – doomed to fail -  over-before-they-began and assuming that the judges/observers are objective and speaking from an intelligent perspective, a lot of times they are right on the money.

So we ask ourselves through the entire train wreck, Why? Why did they get together? Why did they stay together? And what the heck were they thinking when they got married? Why are they surprised that it isn’t working out? Why aren’t they going to counseling-isn’t it covered under their plan?

And one year later, after the divorce…

What did you do with the wedding album? Who got the stuff? No! Why can’t you stay at your mom’s house? What do you mean ‘we’re’ expecting? And so on and so forth.

 

I bring this up for those of us who are fixated. Fixated on the image of marriage, the image of a relationship – and not the actual experience of a marriage – which is really just a glorified relationship on show.

When you think to yourself “What kind of companion am I looking for?” Instantly you are trying to create an image of someone instead of ideas of companionship. You should be considering how you want to feel – how you want to make that other person feel – possibilities of building a family and how it would function – what kind of a person would be most compatible for that lifestyle and what personal attributes you both would need have. You should be creating a composite of life now and well into the future. Quite frankly its much more difficult (and dare I say risky) to search for a partner using defined physical attributes.    After all you could not possibly expect to want someone who looks a certain way without expecting them to want YOU to look a certain way! (that would just be ridiculously hypocritical – but you didn’t hear that from me)  

 

 

So let’ say you’ve got the ideal image of this individual –

Gender: Male

Height:  5’10 – 6’10

Complexion (don’t get me started on this one)

Hair (??),Teeth, Lips, Body type, Language, Religion, Ethnicity (or lack thereof)

Citizenship (um – are you landed?), Ability to Procreate (if needed)

 

And then you move on to more things you believe this person actually has control over like financial status, career, education, family, health, car, house,  - the list can go on and on for some folk. 

Those who achieve their physical reciprocal capture the ‘ideal’ ace after they have excluded 99.78% of the general population of males without specifying age (how many kids are 5’10 you ask?).

So they score – they get ‘the guy’ and suddenly the schema reminds us that there is more to be fulfilled! The gifts! The vacations! The RING! And most of all…the event! A wedding!

 

‘Oh hurrah –to be a bride!’ they scream silently to themselves.

‘I will finally be a part of the club!’ 

 

There is a great hooplah and then when it is all over. Depression.

 

‘What to do now? I got the guy – I got the house – the presents the 3 bridal showers, 2 engagement parties, 2 wedding dresses and a honeymoon to boot.

What to do? I’m bored.’ (Insert baby here).

 

Life moves on –hours later party guests have forgotten the $30 bottles of wine – the taste of the food long left their tongues – the hall – the sacred stage for your performance has been desecrated many times over with birthday parties, anniversaries – other weddings – barmitzfas…   and there you sit lonely; looking at wedding pictures – thinking about what could have been done better. Don’t worry – you’ll get another opportunity my dear. Weddings are easy – after they are done with the cost leaves but a scratch on your life. Marriages; however – when they are over – leave wounds deeper than the depth of the ‘money box’.  So before you plan that baby shower… get real. This is not a test

 

Luv, Dee