Response to “What do you mean you’re surprised my husband is black”, by Michelle Walker
I am not sure that I have any great insight to add to your thought-provoking ruminations more than what we have discussed in the past but I know that it has spurned many more questions at least it has for me. Sit back folks and strap yourselves in tight its going to be a long & bumpy ride.
Before I speak to your EPE theory which is darn smart if I do say so myself – I wonder why your husband seems to shock his colleagues 80% to your 20%of the time with the fact that he is indeed married to a black woman?
Has it truly become a normal and commonplace occurrence to see Black men with ‘un-black’ women? Why? I would be dying to conduct a survey on that phenomenon. The answers are not simple nor can they be generalized but here are some of the reasons I have been given or have borne witness to their utterance: Black women are difficult, confrontational, too critical, gold-diggers, too demanding, too bitchy, demean a black man, etc. The list goes on but I have neither the fortitude nor the memory to continue to expand. Myself being single and included in some of these characterizations – find that the blissful union between the two realities of how others perceive you and what you truly are, lies somewhere in between. Is it a defense to say the following? To the external world the black woman may present that unfavourable face but to her loved ones, family, friends, lovers and partners I have seen the private face of dependability, self-sacrifice, active problem-solvers, nurturers, humourous and courageous sisters.
Since I spend so much time in their company I also wish to share my dreams for them – sometimes the stress of life prevents them from lowering their shields, taking bigger risks in love and life, celebrating the little things, judging less, experiencing more and worrying and working less, and just plain letting their hair down. (I shan’t get into the discussion of whether it’s hers or not – at least not for this blog). But I can’t lie – there is so much value add when she gives you the truth (although most times you do not like its delivery), the undying support and strength on the journey to being a better person lies dormant beneath it all especially if you allow her to truly feel vulnerable with you.
Again I digress this is what you get on my ride. So back to the questions at hand, I kinda understand why ‘un-blacks’ would have difficulty believing black men and black women can co-habitate in a committed relationship (I mean married to each other).
Beyond the beliefs that are outlined in the reasons why a black woman is not marriage material – we have missed a crucial part of the exploration. The visual representations or caricatures of black women and men in our popular culture have both been deadly and abominable.
I mean think about it – why would a middle class, educated, intelligent, fine looking, articulate, going places black man want a belligerent, emasculating, argumentative and vindictive black woman (and let’s not forget about the baby mama drama – since she has no problem having other men’s children)? Again, why would he want to be shackled to harpy with a sharp tongue?
By the same token – why would a smart, attractive, community minded and spiritual black woman want to be disrespected with terms of endearment like “my b—h, my shortie” by some school drop out, womanizing, dead beat father, abusing, thug like, gangster wanna be?
I mean truly these images standing side by side have the power of such strong conviction and suggestion to turn even me off and make me give of the dream of happily ever after. But thank God I am a Black woman and thereby not a quitter. Seriously though I can understand why bringing your family to a company BBQ might raise the veil of ignorance (or at least the shock that two good looking and even spirited Black people are actually together – I mean actually married to each other and appear to actually dare I say it “happy”). Who knew? I am sure that there were some water-cooler conversations stirring up the conundrum of their day on Monday morning. Maybe that is the biggest shock that two black people could be still married in this day and age especially since a large portion of black men are locked up in prison and black female headed households are at a high especially if you believe everything you hear and read.
So it is with this perception/understanding that I will hold onto when someone near me utters “did you know so and so is actually married to a black person (insert man or woman)?” statement in my presence. I will hopefully deal with it with patience and understanding gained in this dialogue.
Now finally I want to delve briefly into your EPE (exposure – proximity – environment) theory. Since, you yourself have now experienced the “I can’t believe she is married to a black man” phenomenon. I wonder if that means that un-blacks are catching on to the fact that black women might be a desirable match for other un-blacks? Does this mean that black women are finally opening their eyes to what black men have been embracing all along? The realization that variety – choices – and desirability outside the confines of race or compatibility based on that loose definition are now our future.
If this is the case then the EPE theory has some legitimacy and foundation. As we (black women – I’ll use this category since I belong to the group and they haven’t deemed it fit to withdraw my membership card) grow up more and more in settled or affluent neighbourhoods and attend the same schools and events as ‘un-blacks’ it becomes harder to be dismissed as part of the scenery or décor. At some point you must acknowledge my presence – as you continue to interact with me more. I force you to start to question everything you have learned or heard about me, to question your limited perception. I force you to divorce your value propositions you married to me and mine and dare I say it – tempt you to step out to explore the possibility of …Why? because I am not a simplistic caricature. I am more accessible (proximity); I am standing in your space (environment); I work along side you, share similar beliefs, values, fears (exposure) which makes you see that I am not so different to you and therefore a viable option as a partner – a viable proposition worth exploring.
That’s it for me
Michy
Firstly Michy, thank you for repsonding to my post. It was an honour to have you featured on here and I hope to ssee your work published at some point. You really are a fine writer. You’d be an awesome journalist. Isn’t it interesting that something that appears so abstract and unsolvable a problem could simply be the way we percieve things. Worst yet, it is our choice to percieve things this way. These images that we have of people are not just acquired, but accepted by us without logic, without questioning, and certainly not for the greater good. After all if we were to remove the issue of race itself from this discussion – it wouldn’t seem that tabboo. how many times do we say to ourselves ‘ I normally would never had approached…” – because we all have our reservations about people in terms of their appearance or lifestyle and choose to use those beliefs to accomodate our way of life. We expect people to be what we think or need them to be in order to justify our choices. Some of us choose not to believe that our partner could be wrapped in a different package than we imagine – and then complain that there is noone for us, or that the ones that are packaged the way we want – aren’t quite packaged just right. I like that we are becoming more ‘accessible’ to each other , that we are ‘divorcing’ our value propositions as you said. Its a marriage that needs to be dissolved.
Comment by dacostad — October 7, 2008 @ 2:42 pm |