I’ve found ‘Victoria’s Secret’

 It is a mystery no more. This age old secret hidden in the smiles, piercing glances and precocious poses of catalogue modeling has evaded me for years. After all the mystery, the ‘secret’ showed up in a simple white plastic envelope.

 

Maybe it was my impulsiveness or spontaneous states of delusion, but on a Saturday evening I was visualizing what I would be wearing on my upcoming vacation. In that moment I stumbled upon on email advertising the Victoria secret sale – I checked quickly to see if my pet, ‘Visa’ was in the mood to play (and lo she was) – and off the website I went. It was an overwhelming experience. The vast selection would have made the decision most painful for the average woman my age, but lucky me – I had no choice but to head straight to the ‘clearance’ tagged , 1 – piece, section of the swimsuit page.  I hoped to find something that didn’t scream ‘’ I’m a mother “or say right out ‘I’m not here to swim’. There MUST be something in between I hoped silently…..

 

And there it was…just stunning. A gorgeous, original and most of all, ON SALE swimsuit that was more sexy than some of the bikinis I had to surpass. Three clicks later and it was over before it began. I ordered it quickly (in a small) and thought about how much exercise would have to be done to attempt to fit into this outfit without embarrassing myself, my husband and our friends.  At 19.99 what did I have to lose?  Delivery was  express of course – because, in short,  I just could not wait (and other miscellaneous logical excuses).

 

Thinking back, I had heard my husband remark, ‘I like that one’. I could swear I did.   Anyway, I hit the gym the Monday after I placed my first online clothing order – just to get myself ready for the inevitable shock of the reality of my figure webbed in a ribbon of material. Three days later it showed up. I think I dropped everything. I dropped my keys, my purse, my manners .. and last but not least, 15 minutes later- I dropped my pride. I don’t think you need to be privy to all the dirty details of my plight but imagination is an innate gift, so use it wisely.   

 

Victoria’s secret is very simple folks.

 

The secret is this- the humans who model the swimwear have proportions mirroring that of perhaps 1 % of the population of potential buyers. So what if I pulled that number I really just pulled out of the air? Take a look around folks. Anyone under the age of 19, under the height of 5 ‘3, or with breasts larger than a peach need not apply or buy.

 

So I think you’re starting to paint a polite picture of my disappointing realization that all women are not created equal. The swimsuit is now on its way to the state where I would have worn it, to a much more deserving figure.  However, the mystery  continues.

 

Will the ‘small’ swimsuit be too big for a size 00 woman under 5’1? 

 

Will I find a swimsuit that I can wear – and take pictures in it?

 

Stay tuned for the dramatic results.