Journals from the Fourth Wave of Feminism – Part VI

Disorders

I am about to make a fallacious statement in regards to a related topic not yet covered in our course. Health care. The culprit of the ignorance people (male and female) have in regards to our menstrual and sexual disorders can be solely attributed I believe, to health care. My doctors have never discussed sexuality with me and I find their treatment of female related issues to be with a dismissive attitude. For myself, I seldom find that my doctor addresses my concerns with more than a wave of the wrist and a ‘meh’ attitude. I also believe that this lack of social, medical and education support in combination with the dominant images of sexuality (literature, media and particularly pornography) are key factors to the sexual attitudes of females . How connected are female sexual dysfunctions to these factors? There is another side to this domino effect. There may be many women out there who feel that their sexual problem is attributed to internal problems rather than the social contexts as referred to in Naomi Weisstein’s article. It is abhorrent how targeted we are as consumers to the point where we put more effort in medicating our psychological sexual problems than into the research and education of those problems.

How to teach

With my own daughter I would like to emphasize the facts about sex, rather than the ‘consequences’. Many parents choose to threaten their children with homelessness if they are to get pregnant. This is actually a strategy – and while fear is always a great way of delaying certain behaviours, more than likely it will be personality and opportunities presented, that will allow for true self behavior. I would like my child to understand her biology and her menstrual flow and take her to see a female doctor if possible. I would introduce her to the psychology of development so hopefully she can have an understanding of how her body and mind work together. This way she won’t confuse lust with a desperate need to please someone. I would like to emphasize patience, and open communication with her – and keep an open dialogue with her peers as well. Most of all I would provide her with examples of difficult sexual situations that are overlooked in our culture of oversexualization and commercialism:

1. “What do you do when you are undressed in bed with man who tries to have sex with you – but you don’t want to?” The first thing that will come to ones mind in that situation is ‘well … I kinda asked for it – didn’t’ I?” – How does one deal with that?

2. What do you do if someone offers you birth control pills (or any medication)?

3. How do you handle male attention?

It is important for women to know that attention, when provided may be flattering – but that one should neither crave it or feel obligated to respond. Many girls are taught that their looks and therefore their value to men is what defines them. I would want my daughter to know that a compliment, is simply that and requires nothing more than a ‘thank you’. She needs to know that she gets to choose – that we are no longer living in a world of ‘courtship’ and so a cat call is not a sign of affection or desire. I really do believe that there are many males that will approach anything with a beating heart. I want her to discover who she wants to be with first – before she starts dating; to discover what her needs are and how she wants to be treated so that she doesn’t answer to just any ‘name’. I could tell her not to have sex until she gets married. I could. But really – what would my rationale be for that? Would that guarantee that she will have a sexually fulfilling life? Would it mean her husband would have been so considerate to have done the same? Would it mean he would find her most desirable of all and spend his whole life thanking her for saving herself for him? I cannot guarantee her that. However, I can tell her that men, generally don’t like using protection consistently. I can educate her about diseases. I can even talk to her about finances – the costs of birth control for women, the emotional side effects of abortions and the health factors related to pregnancy and birth control. I can tell her that power is all hers – and it is not the business of her peers to decide when she does anything. She needs to know that there is nothing special about him because he says something nice to her.

Most of all she needs to know that I will be a mother to her always. I do not get to ‘opt out’ at 16 – or at 25 or 43. I do not get to turn my back after what I consider to be the ‘first mistake’ or the ‘last chance’. Whilst I will never sacrifice my life’s happiness for the burden of my children’s drama (because learned helplessness is not on my mothering agenda), I do intend to know them as much as I can -truly KNOW them – so that when I say I will be there for them always – through relationships, pregnancies, illnesses, parenting, and careers, dreams and hopes… I can actually mean it.