Would you intervene if your friend was keeping a secret from their significant other?
This question came across my ‘desk’ last night sometime after 10pm, so of course I woke up at dawn still thinking about it – which usually means it would make a good Blog topic. Usually.
Rather than dwell on my personal opinions or ‘what I would do’ which is really ‘what I think I might do’ – I’ll review how one might go about making the decision and possible consequences to consider.
What?
What could be so urgent that you would feel the need to intervene?
a) Your friend is planning to burn the family house down
b) You just saw your friend in an adult film – or performing at the local ‘Ballet’ (lol)
c) Your friend is expecting but is planning on discontinuing the pregnancy without telling their spouse (oh, the drama!)
d) Your friend is secretly planning a rendezvous with the spouse’s brother
e) Your friend is having a sex change and is planning to surprise their spouse on Jerry Springer
f) Your friend has been spending all the family savings at the local casino
g) The friend has been forging the spouses signature to take out loans on the house
Who?
Who is the friend for whom you are willing to risk your friendship, and possibly be the catalyst of disaster for their romantic relationship?
Are you friends with both parties involved?
How well do you know their spouse?
Where and When and How?
Where did you learn of the secret, how long will you take before you reveal it and how will conduct yourself within that period of time?
Is it a secret that you were asked specifically to keep, or did you find out accidentally?
Do you plan on approaching your friend first? (If you aren’t then that’s a key indicator that maybe your allegiance lies with the spouse and not your so-called friend)
Do you do a sneak attack by sending an incognito message via email or text, or go directly to the source?
How long are you willing to wait until revealing this very urgent secret?
Are you the only one who knows (rarely the case) – or is it the worse kept secret on the planet?
Why?
This is the most important question. Why are you getting involved?
a) You are trying to fix someone’s relationship by encouraging honesty
b) You are fearful that someone’s health is at risk
c) You think the spouse is a better person than your friend deserves and secretly wants them to see your friend’s true colours
d) You are afraid of being afflicted with ‘birds of a feather’ syndrome
e) Keeping the lie is putting you and possibly your other relationships at risk
Alternatives
Speak to the individual first – and get your facts straight and give them time to think and sort things out their own way. After which if you still feel there is a need to proceed further – you may give some ultimatums;
a) Tell your spouse or I will
b) Tell your spouse – stop what you are doing – or we can’t be friends right now
Tell someone of authority – someone older – maybe one of their parents who may be closer to the individuals involved and would know more about the emotional thresholds of the couple, including their temperament, history – or other factors to which you have limited to no insight.
Consult a professional for advice and point your friend in that direction. Don’t try to play Counselor if you aren’t qualified and certified.
You can also turn a blind eye to it and mind your own business, but that depends on the nature of the relationship. For some people all friendships are on one level; others are there for whatever their spouses cannot provide – and nothing more. These folks avoid confrontation at all costs and will never get involved in your business – if you like keeping secrets – and never want to be confronted or exposed these friends will do the job.
Possible outcomes
a) You confront the friend
- - behaviour changes – END
- - behaviour changes but you still tell spouse – end of friendship – END
b) You confront the friend - behaviour remains the same so:
- you go to the spouse
i. The spouse does nothing and says nothing. – You are back at square one – END
ii. The spouse wishes they had never been told and now both resent you. Your friendship is over– END
iii. The spouse confronts the friend –someone is harmed– END
iv. The spouse confronts the friend – separation and divorces follows. Lives are shattered- and your friendship is over– END
v. The spouse confronts the friend and is able to get the friend help. They recover and carry on with their lives and either your friendship stays the same, or changes completely – for better or worse
Now what?
Now that you have let the cat out of the proverbial bag, what do expect to do next? Dropping news like that in the middle of a relationship that does not include you is like dumping a wheelbarrow of crap in someone’s living room and saying ‘Here you go! Now deal with it – good luck!’ Who does that?
Things to consider
Many times we make assumptions about what the other party does NOT know. This can be rather embarrassing. You’d be surprised at what it takes to make different types of relationships work.
Is this a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship or a marriage? Are there children involved? Getting involved in a casual relationship can be a lot of drama – but getting involved in a marriage is even worse; it’s no cakewalk. Don’t try to be a hero. Relationships come and go for a lot of folks. Sticking ones nose where it may not belong can result in serious emotional and physical injury – I’m sure you’ve heard of the term ‘manslaughter’.
You know that saying – ‘Don’t shoot the messenger?’ True story.
Hopefully none of us will ever be put in that predicament – and just a note for my friends as someone who does not hold ANY allegiance to any of my friend’s spouses…. If you should ever put me in a position to have to go beyond my creative means to approach them about your behaviour – I’m the one who is going to be upset about it. Lol.
Live.Love.Laugh
Denise
