NOT In my house

NOTIn my house

This post is dedicated to one of my heroes, JP.

So I’ve come to understand that people have different ideas about respect. However – at some point in our lives we stop compromising our values. Our homes are our sacred ground – the only place we can seek refuge and feel safe. So when my girlfriend told me that she politely showed an uninvited guest to the front door I applauded her. Let’s review the basics of being a guest in someone’s home. It’s about time we spelled out what is and what is not okay – in my house.

Raising your voice in anger? Not in my house.

If you come into my house – the only angry raised voice you are going to hear is mine or my husband’s. If you are berating your child – that’s different but take it to a corner and lower your voice. Most of all – don’t send me for a belt. I’m not involved.

Insulting me or my guests? Not in my house.

Just because we are friends and we are laid back doesn’t mean my house is an open invitation to insult me or my guests (who are currently present..lol).

I’ve seen this done. It’s embarrassing – not just for the person who has been insulted but for the host/hostess. Not to mention it’s unnecessary. Unless you are completely socially inept – you should know when you are insulting someone and if you can’t tell the difference – keep your mouth shut.

Defacing my property? Not in my house.

When people start doing things to your house that they wouldn’t do at their house or their parent’s house…you know something is amiss. Don’t get comfort confused with compliance.

Comment on the way I keep my home or how I choose to act in it? Not in my house.

If my house is too messy, too loud or too small for you – get the hell on. The front door works perfectly.

Bring uninvited guests without warning? Not in my house!

If you can’t bring them to your mama’s house – don’t bring them to mine. Next thing you know they’ll be getting you to borrow my car to scope out a drug dealer and you aren’t respectful enough of me to tell them ‘no’. So don’t bring them.

Open my fridge or pot on the stove on your first visit without asking? Not in my house.

Not in anyone’s house. Especially a West Indian – or thy head shall know the cover of a ‘dutch’ pot.

Giving yourself the good ol’ self directed tour on the first visit? Not in my house.

Planning on marching upstairs to peruse my bedrooms without asking? Where did you grow up? Who does THAT? Kids LOVE to do this and show their parents up – but every adult knows better. You know what’s in your bedroom what makes you think mine is any different?

Show an act of aggression? Not in my house!

So when a guest starts to show signs of physical aggression clenching of fists, closing in on someone’s personal space or even the use of profane terms – threatening and name calling. Why do we stand there and watch? JP did not. She kindly showed her guest Door#1. She even opened it and without laying a finger on him or saying a word– watched as he walked through it – still talking. After which she quietly shut the door and continued with her day.

JP I give you 100% respect. You saved your time, energy and a whole lot of drama by handling that uncouth individual. That was classy – and as far as I’m concerned it says a whole lot more about you than if you had uttered a single word of defiance. We may not value respect as we once did – but nothing beats seeing it in action and one of the places respect is fostered is your home – it creates a harmonious environment that extends to all that come into contact with its inhabitants. Haven’t you ever noticed the difference when you go into a home filled with tension? I do – and often I choose to leave.

Live.Love.Laugh.

And Long Live JP

Denise

Can vanity alone motivate people to become parents?

Can vanity alone motivate people to become parents?

The question might seem a bit odd, but one cannot help but wonder what drives some people to have – and then continue having children – particularly when they lack the skills , tools or drive to do so.

With her permission, a dear friend has permitted me to share with you the following example. Let’s say there is a man who has a son, he and his ex-girlfriend, still manage to maintain an amicable existence. This man is far from the perfect idea of a father – BUT – he insists on maintaining shared custody and free access to his child (which gives him the power to restrict travel), while lacking the basic intuitive behaviour like making a phone call to speak with his son. His excuse is that the son (who is 5 years old) – doesn’t like him. And it’s true. Quite frankly I have never known a child whose mother has only positive motives have such an innate disdain for his own father – – but I digress. The point is the father and the child have absolutely no bond whatsoever. Both parents are frustrated at the child’s reaction. The father who doesn’t speak to the child (because of the constant rejection) continues to insist on having him for visits. That’s great – but the child’s experience on most of those visits (not all) describes a lonely and isolated existence. He doesn’t in fact spend time with his father but is left to play alone. As such, while the child is still mandated to visit the father he refuses to spend the night. It is a heartbreaking predicament for all involved.

One can only assume that such a case would be cause for a lot of self reflection. As a parent we are (some of us) constantly taking note of our actions and planning the necessary steps to improve them. But no – some people have a better answer – like this guy. His bright idea is to have MORE children. That’s right. He has made this personal request on numerous occasions to my friend. So my translation of this scenario is that this man (who happens to be quite vain) is so very entranced with seeing his own reflection (in his son) that he figures he’ll just keep having more kids. All are bound to look like him since he and the mother have some similar features and eventually one will love him, right? What other explanation apart from the fact that he is crazy like a fox – could you possibly come up with? I search inside that empathic part of me hidden somewhere for an alternative reason as to why someone who is clearly unable to emotionally or financially support a child would want to bring more into the world intentionally. The kindest reason I can conjure is loneliness. But you see – that’s why so many people are dog owners.

I laugh when she tells me of how much time he likes to spend looking at his reflection; I imagine him beaming when someone tells him how much his son looks like him. He loves the praise, the acknowledgement and power that comes with having parental ‘rights’ and being a biological father. There is more to being a parent than this. I see this in other fathers who are absent for the majority of a child’s life and show up at a college graduation to take photographs. They put forth all their efforts to be there for the moments when they too can shine. And the women are always gracious enough to let them. Meanwhile the man who has never had to watch his child sleep, thinks it’s a splendid idea for someone to carry another one of his children. Clearly he sees women as walking incubators and his main purpose in life is to bless the world with his superior gene pool. My friend however, who has decided not to have any more children, is a hardworking, loving individual who dedicates her entire life to her son. She is his educator, his confidant, and the source of all the affection he desires. She is choosing not have more children because she loves them. Is it possible that he is choosing to have more because he loves himself – or anything that is a part of him? Parenting is not innate. People need to recognize and respect that. I never question those who choose not to have children even if they are capable.

I’m thinking maybe this man doesn’t need a dog. I’m thinking all he needs is a bigger mirror.

Live.Love.Laugh.

Denise