Can vanity alone motivate people to become parents?

Can vanity alone motivate people to become parents?

The question might seem a bit odd, but one cannot help but wonder what drives some people to have – and then continue having children – particularly when they lack the skills , tools or drive to do so.

With her permission, a dear friend has permitted me to share with you the following example. Let’s say there is a man who has a son, he and his ex-girlfriend, still manage to maintain an amicable existence. This man is far from the perfect idea of a father – BUT – he insists on maintaining shared custody and free access to his child (which gives him the power to restrict travel), while lacking the basic intuitive behaviour like making a phone call to speak with his son. His excuse is that the son (who is 5 years old) – doesn’t like him. And it’s true. Quite frankly I have never known a child whose mother has only positive motives have such an innate disdain for his own father – – but I digress. The point is the father and the child have absolutely no bond whatsoever. Both parents are frustrated at the child’s reaction. The father who doesn’t speak to the child (because of the constant rejection) continues to insist on having him for visits. That’s great – but the child’s experience on most of those visits (not all) describes a lonely and isolated existence. He doesn’t in fact spend time with his father but is left to play alone. As such, while the child is still mandated to visit the father he refuses to spend the night. It is a heartbreaking predicament for all involved.

One can only assume that such a case would be cause for a lot of self reflection. As a parent we are (some of us) constantly taking note of our actions and planning the necessary steps to improve them. But no – some people have a better answer – like this guy. His bright idea is to have MORE children. That’s right. He has made this personal request on numerous occasions to my friend. So my translation of this scenario is that this man (who happens to be quite vain) is so very entranced with seeing his own reflection (in his son) that he figures he’ll just keep having more kids. All are bound to look like him since he and the mother have some similar features and eventually one will love him, right? What other explanation apart from the fact that he is crazy like a fox – could you possibly come up with? I search inside that empathic part of me hidden somewhere for an alternative reason as to why someone who is clearly unable to emotionally or financially support a child would want to bring more into the world intentionally. The kindest reason I can conjure is loneliness. But you see – that’s why so many people are dog owners.

I laugh when she tells me of how much time he likes to spend looking at his reflection; I imagine him beaming when someone tells him how much his son looks like him. He loves the praise, the acknowledgement and power that comes with having parental ‘rights’ and being a biological father. There is more to being a parent than this. I see this in other fathers who are absent for the majority of a child’s life and show up at a college graduation to take photographs. They put forth all their efforts to be there for the moments when they too can shine. And the women are always gracious enough to let them. Meanwhile the man who has never had to watch his child sleep, thinks it’s a splendid idea for someone to carry another one of his children. Clearly he sees women as walking incubators and his main purpose in life is to bless the world with his superior gene pool. My friend however, who has decided not to have any more children, is a hardworking, loving individual who dedicates her entire life to her son. She is his educator, his confidant, and the source of all the affection he desires. She is choosing not have more children because she loves them. Is it possible that he is choosing to have more because he loves himself – or anything that is a part of him? Parenting is not innate. People need to recognize and respect that. I never question those who choose not to have children even if they are capable.

I’m thinking maybe this man doesn’t need a dog. I’m thinking all he needs is a bigger mirror.

Live.Love.Laugh.

Denise

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